Reblog if you’re going to Chris Colfer’s book signing in Minnesota.
reblog and make a wish!
this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)
OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.
THIS SHIT WORKS OKAY, I AM DEAD SERIOUS.
The last time I saw this on my dash, I didn’t think it would happen, so jokingly I wished I could go to a fun. concert.
AND GUESS WHAT, I WENT TO A FUCKING FUN. CONCERT.
THIS SHIT WORKS, TRY IT.
yay its back.
I half jokingly reblogged this yesterday cos I thought it was a nice picture…
and was like oh wow I only get wishes on birthdays what would I wish for?!?!?! how about gainful employment L0L
… and like…
I have a job now? That I never applied for? That someone just called me up and said “here, have this”? In a place I really really like?
So like… h8ers gonna h8 or something
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
I always need this on my blog.
I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.
This is the single greatest rant in the world.
This is a really amazing tribute to all of Glee. It’s got a stunning bit of a Finn focus, which was done beautifully, but it’s really about the whole thing. Wow.
Not even gonna lie - this made me tear up
THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY I CAN CRY!!!
as he tours for
THE LAND OF STORIES: A GRIMM WARNING
Wednesday, July 16, 7:00 pm
Red Balloon Bookshop
891 Grand Ave, Saint Paul, MN
888-224-9320 OR 651-224-8320
Event & Ticket Details - About the Book - About the Author - FAQs
This event is a book signing only; no reading, no presentation.
This is a ticketed event.
Tickets can be purchased in-store or over the phone beginning Wednesday, May 21, 10:00 am.
Ticket cost is $19.37 and includes one copy of THE LAND OF STORIES: A GRIMM WARNING. Discounts do not apply. One ticket per person ages 12 and older; those younger than 12 may be accompanied by an adult.
At the time of your purchase we will assign you a numbered signing ticket that indicates your place in line. Books and tickets may be picked up beginning Tuesday, July 8 through the day of the event. Signing will begin promptly at 7:00 pm on Wed, July 16. Guests with numbers 1-100 should arrive between 6-6:30 pm to pick up their tickets and books and begin lining up.
Each guest may have a total of 8 books signed. All copies of THE LAND OF STORIES: A GRIMM WARNING must be purchased from Red Balloon. Of these 8 books, only 2 copies total of the two previous books in the series are allowed. These books may be brought from home or purchased from Red Balloon Bookshop.
Chris Colfer will only sign copies of books in THE LAND OF STORIES series (no memorabilia, no personalizations.) Photography is allowed; however there will be no posed photos.
So just called and got my son’s and my ticket and book for the St. Paul signing!!! Number 2 or 3 in line!!!!! I don’t know who is more excited about this, me or him.
Noah loves the series and can’t wait to get to this new book and I’m happy to see my son’s face when he is listening to the book being read to him and how happy it makes him. These books have come to mean so much to us. I really want to tell Chris that when we see him.